|
[30 Jul 2004|08:55pm] |
1. My name:
> >2. Where did we meet?
> >3. Take a stab at my middle name:
> >4. How long have you known me?
> >5. When is the last time we saw each other?
> >6. Do I smoke?
> >7. Do I believe in God?
> >8. When you first saw me what was your >first impression of me ?
> >9 Month of my Birthday?
> >10. Color hair?
> >11. Color eyes?
> >12. Do I have any siblings?
> >13. What's one of my favorite things to do >outdoors?
> >14. What's one of my favorite things to do >indoors?
> >15. Do you remember one of the 1st things I >said to you?
> >16. What's my favorite type of music?
> >17. What is the best feature about me?
> >18. Am I shy or outgoing?
> >19. Would you say I am funny ha ha or funny >sarcastic?
> >20. Am I a rebel or do I follow all the rules?
> >21. Would you consider me a friend, an >acquaintance, or a good friend?
> >22. Would you call me hippie, glam, nerdy, >snobby, or something else?
> >23. Have you ever seen me cry?
> >24. If there were one good nickname for me >what would it be?
> >25. Are my parents still together?
> >26. If I had broccoli stuck in my teeth would >you tell me?
wonder wholl fill this out :P
|
|
| worried... |
[30 Jul 2004|03:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
3DD - So I Need You |
] |
theres just too much worry... im worried bout hsi girl from the evboard (yea u Stef) cuz well shes going to bed now but i dunno if ill talk to her tomorrow.. she said shed try not to like 'do' anything, but i know its realy hard for her and im sared she cant take more... i dunno, i dont eve know why i like get in touch with these girls (who are awesome tho :)), i onyl worry bout them and cant really help them :( i dunno what im doing... even tho Stef, don u dare and block me now or something.. cuz its too late for that... ill just hunt u down if u do that ;) <33 well, i dunno.. at least im doing bette rthan yesterday. wll, i feel kind of better. wbut when i got thinking about it, i feel the same. its kinda weird, i dunno.. im doing a lil better tho, thats important :) ttyl
|
|
|
[29 Jul 2004|05:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hoobastank - Open Your Eyes |
] |
did u all know life sucks? it realy does. i feel like everyones leaving me. its stupid cuz i know better than that... i feel like crap right now.. just nothing is going right.... yesterday i was like thinking 'what h hell.. why shouldnt i scratch!? who give a fuck? its my decision' and then i was like 'no shut up, i cnat do this.... ppl will be too disappointed, thatd kill me. shut up!' so i didnt... but its gettin harder again.. i can feel it.. i feel that everytime i see a pair of scissors layin there, i ask myself why the hell not!? and then i just go and look somewhere else, cuz id do it if i wouldnt look elsewhere.... i dunno, this just so fuckin sucks. i feel like i attract misery or somethin... feel like nohting good ever happens to me.. i know, its just bullshit.. but it really feels like this at the moment.. i typed out a whole story about stuff with my frends bout tonightand bout stuff with this suicidal girl i got to know and i dunno fi shes alive.. but my comp fucked up so that all gone. and i dont wanna type it all out again.. cant even see much thru my tears :S well, i dunno.. just dont worry, imnot gonna do anyhting, i promise
|
|
| Hoobastank :D |
[25 Jul 2004|04:49pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hoobastank - Out Of Control |
] |
lol i prolly told like everyone who will read this lol, but YAY im gonna go and see Hoobastank in october :D :D :D i so cant wait, its gonna be amazing :D me, rian, marlou and 3 others are coming, so that shold be fun. no parents for a change hehe ;) not that its that bad but hey. octobe ris just so far away lol :( well, actually it really isnt but it seems like that. ok, got nothing better to talk bout so ill just shut up ;)
|
|
|
[22 Jul 2004|09:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
emptyness inside... |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lacuna Coil - Entwined |
] |
a home in my heart
a town ready to fall apart
inside, im like a retard
alone inside my heart
my head is falling completely apart
inside, im like a dahm retard
dont ask me where that came from :P it just kind of popped into my head. im still doing kind of the same, im still empty and hollow.. i just hate, and i want someone here to fill it. im starting to find myself pretty pathetic when i read all the stuff i write. dahm, im just such a loser :p almost begging for someone to come and be with me, and whose gonna read this? ppl far far away.. cuz almost no one around me knows... and if im gonna tell em, ill sound like a complete fool and someone who just wants attention. well, i dunno, ill survive the holidays without cutting, hell i will, might be hard, but im not so weak to give in. wel ttyl :)
|
|
| hollow/empty |
[22 Jul 2004|01:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
empty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Breaking Benjamin - Sugarcoat |
] |
i feel really mepty on the inside like i havent eaten for a month, while i just had lunch. i dunno its really weird, ive feltlike this before, but it never lasted this long. mostly it would go away after a day but now its been like this for the past few days :S makes me feel alone too. i dunno, it sucks but i dunno what i can do about it :S heres somethin i wrote last night, was pretty lonely and hollow and stuff then :S
my spirit's flying around me now - im hollow again
shadows cover my mind - ill never be the same again
feeling the same void i felt back then
someone please save me
and fill the emptiness i have inside me
somebody just break me
and hope ill ever feel anything at all....
im okay tho, this feling sucks but its not like i wanna scracth. well actually i do, itll prove i can feel anything which is pain.. but i wont. im not letting go, not cuz of this. so dont owrry, im fine :)
|
|
|
[20 Jul 2004|11:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
LP - Lying From You |
] |
im feeling a bit weird today. lil dizzy, maybe kind of like im floating or somethin. kind of had this talk with my mum yesterday. she started with: hows things with ur cutting? i dunno, i hate it when she asks me that. well not the fact that she asks me, but that she asks me bout my cutting. and then im like: theyre not cuttings, theres no blood, theyre just scratches. i dunno, to me it seems a completely different thing. anyways, i explained to her that now i dont wanna do it cuz im feeling so bad, but just cuz ill be so reliefed. and she doesnt understand. its so hard to talk to someone who doesnt understand. i dunno, it was pretty good to talk to her. but i think shes still afraid ill go further than just scratching. i also found out she reads this journal sometimes. i might mak eit for registered users only. but then rian and my other frend cant read it either. i dunno, maybe they should just register lol :P well ttyl
|
|
| RAIN + the weekend |
[18 Jul 2004|08:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lacuna Coil - Aeon |
] |
its raining outside soo hard right now lol. i feel like getting outside and just stand there in the pouring rain, im not going to tho: my parents will look at me like im nuts :P i dunno, im looking outside now, and i realise ive never realised how beautiful the rain is. i dunno, that just kind of hit me
swimming camp was fun. had fun with rian, and this girl i teach, well she was like with us the whole time, it was good. she was like holding my hand like all the time and sitting on my lap and stuff, it was sweet :) we ofcourse went swimming and did somethin called jiu-jitsu (or at elast somethin like it :P), it was something like just self defence, it was fun. got to be a lil aggresive and stuff, really cool :P
|
|
| :) |
[16 Jul 2004|12:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lacuna Coil - Tight Rope |
] |
everything seems to be turning out good. i dunno, it seems like good times are finally coming :)
1) Im gettin the away from the sun-dvd for my birthday :D:D:D well actually, it should be arriving at my home like sometime next week :D
2) had a phoneconvo with heather yesterday evening. wel dunno if u can really cal it a convo lol, we were like 'uhmmmmmmmmm......' all the tim elol. but it was really cool and it felt really good :) we're finally gettin closer and stuff y'know? i dunno, its good :)
lol i duno, its not so many stuf, but its really good :) im really happy. ow btw, i passed the schoolyear lmao :P kind of knew i did, but im sure now :P lol
i downloaded a lot of stuff yesterday lol. Smile Empty Soul's cd, almost done with both of the Lifehouse cds, Lacuna Coild's Comalies (decided i really wanted to hear it lol :P). im gonna listen to a lot of music on holiday lmao :P
|
|
| sick and tired |
[14 Jul 2004|07:58pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bad Charism - Fight For Nothing |
] |
sometime i get so sick and tired of my brother and sister. they just cant stop fighting and talking and stuff, they just wont shut up! its just stupid, and im like 'shut up' and then they get mad at me! and im like 'fuck u'. i dunno, they just have to stop, holiday is gonna suck like this :S
been good today. slept till 11am lol, and thats NOT like me lol :P but it was good tho lol, came back at 12pm yesterday so. spend some time behind the computer, then cleaned my room a bit, actually cleaned my desk, really needed it. and then i watched The O.C. and Everwood with rian, was fun too. then i got home and my sis ws sitting on the floor next to some broken glass. i didnt even ask her what happened, i just knew: my brother and sister had been fighting and somethin fell down. so i cleaned it up, kind of was like: hey mayke, see that glass. u know what u can do with that... and then i was like: no. so i just threw it in the trashcan. i sound like some freak right now but oh well.
mu sis is screaming so hard downstairs. i dunno what happened, i just ran down the stairs so hard and threw the door open and was like 'now shut the fuck up for once!!!!' and then i noticed they just fought on and i was like 'fuck u both!' and i slammed the door. god, those kids just get me soo fuckin pissed! it gets me really aggresive and stuff so I have my music (Bad Charism) on so hard right now. I dunno, i hsoudlnt let em get to me i know, but they jsut wont stop, its been like this all day. im just sick of it, they need to shut up!
|
|
| its gettin better :) |
[14 Jul 2004|12:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
i dunno, its all gettin better. holiday (so far) isnt as bad as i expected. and i dont think about scratching so often anymore. i mean, i think about it, and will prolly always do. just something weird happened this morning. and im scaring anyone, so whoever reads this, dont wory, im fine. i was shaving my legs and suddenly i saw myself holding the razor blade on my wrist, an di pushed it. and then i just woke up and was like: no no this isnt right. so i stopped. well i dunno, it was literary like waking up. and whn i woke up, i went to take a shower and i saw this scratch like on my chest, all the way down my stomache. and i kind of was like: was this an accident or did i do it on purpose? and when i began thinking, i thought that it prolly was cuz the tank top i wear while sleeping, just left like tracks. i dunno, it was just weird. but im feeling great now :)
|
|
|
[14 Jul 2004|11:59am] |
hehe yea, ill graduate when im 17 ;) LOSERS!!! :P
lmao here we go again Ray ;)
|
|
|
[13 Jul 2004|11:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Nirvana - Lithium |
] |
ok, so im doing good! :D YAY! havent actually thoguth about scratching in a while now :) was pretty worried bout a frend of mine last night, but its al good now :) yea, i dunno what else to saty. im doing good and stuff, theresjust one thign wrong: im so fucking BORED!! and i got like 8 more weeks to go. dahm. i need to find somethin to do. i think im gonna make chocolatecake today. should be fun hehe :P well ttyl :)
|
|
|
[10 Jul 2004|09:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
indescribable |
] |
i just realised something: this holiday is gonna be a disaster! im gonna be alone all the time and bored all the time. and yea ill be online a lot but not always, cuz my parents dont want me to. and when i go to hungary there wont be anyone there at all. and i dont wanna talk to my parents... i dunno, im kind ofno tlooking forward to it anymore :S
Melisa from the boards tried to convince me today that i should go and talk to a psychologist. i dunno, guess i should but im still having doubt. i dont wanna go, i wanna just be able to solve this on my own and with help from my frends and stuff but just not with the help of... adults :S i dotn know, i just dont wanna feel like that cuz it makes me feel weak. its not about what others think of me, its what i think of me. i just dont want all this shit with me and with mieke and with rian. i just wanna leave here and start over somewhere else. (like i could and like i want to :P) i just dont want this to happen. but i cnat really do a lot about it :S i just dont know if going to a psycholgist will help... i think taht bitch i talked to a few weeks ago kind of got my hopes down. god, how i hate that woman, ill never go and talk to her again :P i dunno, i just really g2 think about all this...
|
|
| Sleepover and stuff |
[09 Jul 2004|03:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
okay |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hoobastank - Same Direction |
] |
just had a sleepover thingie lastnight. was pretty cool. the only bad thing was that after we watched Thirteen, i dunno i felt a lil less happy and stuff. i was just keeping my nails away from myself. (dont ask for an explanation) i duno, once again it was just hard. right now, everytime when stuff get rough, i read the song i wrote at the night i talked to Coen and stuff, and its okay. but i couldnt do it there, well i dont want everyone to read it. but then we were gonna watch Freaky Friday, wow that was fun :P Chad Michael Murray is so hot! lmao :P so that cheered me up and stuff. but later on, when that movie was over, marlou, marjo and moniek got on MSN and they talked to vic and some other guy. and rian and me just kind of stodd there, i had that idea. i dunno, just kind of felt like i didnt belong there :S and then rian lay down in her bed, and so did i, and thats when i felt completely alone, like no one was there at all. but in the end it was kind of cool. so im good.
|
|
| Why oh why? |
[08 Jul 2004|10:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Breaking Benjamin - Polyamorous |
] |
i dunno if im blind or whatever but why the hell does mieke have to go and ignore me like i dont excist!? yesterday i went swimming with the local club (not the club i swim with normally) and i tell ya, she didnt say a thing to me. she just replied with words like 'whatever' when i said something to her. she didnt look at me like one time. and later when we were walkin towards our bikes, we were standign there next to each other, opening the locks of our bikes, and she was done sooner than i was, and she just took off without saying a thing. i mean, i dunno why she does such a thing when like last friday at a party, we just hung out and stuff. i dunno if she was just faking that or something, but i cant find another explanation for the stuff she did (or didnt do) last night.
i think i just g2 let go of her. just completely. cuz i feel like everytime we have a pretty good time together (at least, thats how i see it) i get my hopes up that we might, could, whatever become frends again. and then irght after it, somethin like this happens, she just ignores me completely, and all of my hopes are just gone. i just cant take this anymore, well its not like its killing me, i just dont wanna take it anymore. if she can really go on without me, then just get out of my life.
(and mieke, if u read this, dont think i want u gone just now, cuz im writing this in kin dof an angry mood. just tell me how u feel cuz i dont want this anymore.)
YAY! one more test and then........ SUMMER HOLIDAYS!!!! :D :D :D
|
|
|
[07 Jul 2004|11:44am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Avril Lavigne - Nobody's Home |
] |
ok, im doing so much better now. well, ididnt do anything last night, the feeling disappeared just as fast as it came to me. i also wrote something last ngiht, ill just post it right now
"NEVER AGAIN"
its been 13 days
of thinking if i should
and knowing that i could
dont wanna go back there again
of black dasy without any lgiht
and wondering if someday i might
all i know is that i must...
never give up and never give in
cant let this thought sink right back in
i can never go back there again
cant affort to live like that again
never let go and never think on
cant make these thoughts feel like they have won
so i wont let this happen to me again
i wont let it take a hold of me again
never again...
it feels like everyone is pushing meto let it take over again
and lose myself allover again
dont wanna give up and lose control
its something that i cant seem to show
and im the only one who knows
that i can...
never give up and never give in
cant let this thought sink right back in
i can never go back there again
cant affort to live like that again
never let go and never think on
cant make these thoughts feel like they have won
so i wont let this happen to me again
i wont let it take a hold of me again
never again...
it can never go back to the way things were
theres so much out there and theres so much to learn
cant waste my life on shit like this
got to let go of all the hurt that there is
never give up and never give in
cant let this thought sink right back in
i can never go back there again
cant affort to live like that again
never let go and never think on
cant make these thoughts feel like they have won
so i wont let this happen to me again
i wont let it take a hold of me again
never again...
ok and one last thing. a very big thank you to Coen lol. (this sound slike a speech or soemthing :P) u were a very very big reason i didnt do anything. dunno what would have happened if i hadnt been talking to u like all evening :P wel just wanna say thanks :)
|
|
| finally... |
[06 Jul 2004|09:13pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
not a clue |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
3dd at rar |
] |
yes, finally my stomacheache is gettin a lil better. well i dont really know if its gettin better, it just bothers me less for some reason. read an article about cutter today, was pretty.. well i dunno if it was good. its always the same, when i read stuff like that, i see why i did it and i dunno, i just feel less bad bout what i did, and it just makes me wanna do it again. but im not gonna. im still keeping it, its been almost 2 weeks :) i dunno, i think part of me still wants to do it but a pretty big part of me doesnt wanna have scars and doesnt wanna let everyone down. so i wont give in, not again. had a huge talk with Coen about this tonight, was pretty good. i dunno, it was good but its hard to talk to someone bout it who doesnt really understands. talking with him was easier than talking to my parents but its still hard. but it did help. i dont know what it helped or somethin but it just made me feel better. and i wasnt even feeling bad :P so thanks for that, u rock! :D
on the other hand, i really really feel like doin something right now. im not gonna, i wont give in, ever again, its just hard. i know ive said this like a 1000 of times but whatever. im really trying to get somethin to distract me and its pretty much working. well i think im gonna go now, i wont do anything. and once again, i promise.
|
|
| :( |
[06 Jul 2004|08:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
why cant i just get better? and why oh why does this have to happen now!? im in the middle f my tests, if i fuck this up, im screwed! i still have that stomacheache and im feeling a bit nauseous now too. this just sucks, and i got to study. i wanna do it now, i dont wanna be sick now and do it next week when im having vacation. im just gonna pull myself together and just do it. ill live.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
mayke's journal